Sunday, September 25, 2011

How to (Look Like You Have): Become a Pokemon Master

*Note: This post is dedicated to my friend Hunter of ZekGaming, whose awesome up and coming YouTube channel can be found here.

Most, if not all of us, have extensive experience with a tv show/videogame/card game/lifestyle known as Pokemon. Pokemon sets a goal that everyone will try to obtain, but few will actually reach, the goal of becoming a Pokemon Master.

Yes. You should be singing the theme song right now.

However, becoming a Pokemon Master can take years of training and practice, and humiliating defeats that teach you life long lessons. If you think we're actually going to go through all of that, you haven't been reading this blog very long. So now, a secret Team Rocket has been trying to figure out since we were small children, how to fake your way to being a Pokemon Master!

Step One: Don't be an idiot
One repeating theme that you're going to see as you navigate your way across the dangerous world of Pokemon and trainers is that the world is populated by complete morons and 11 year olds that run free and and unsupervised. Aside from the sheer chaos that this system causes, it also provides a plethora of great examples of what NOT to do to make people think you're a Pokemon Master.

And a few examples of EXACTLY what to be.

Since becoming a Pokemon Master is a long process that has many different routes, what I'm going to focus on instead is what not to do. And we'll do it by looking at the Do's and Don't's of some of the main Idiots of the Pokemon world. You may not want to be an idiot like them, but there's a thing or two you can still learn from them.

Step Two: The PokeManiac (OCD and you)




These crazy little guys love pokemon more than anything else, including other human beings, societal norms, and proper hygiene habits. Despite the obvious obsessive tendencies, clingy natures, and other horrible side-effects of being a Pokemaniac, there are some things you can learn from them.

DO's: The one thing the Pokemaniacs have over most of us regular people is knowledge. I don't mean PokeNerd style (you can't just add "Poke" to the beginnings of words and make them apply to this blog), but I mean the kind of stalker-esque knowledge that can only be gathered by someone with a mental problem making them obsess over things, or someone with access to facebook. This knowledge is what gives them a claim at being near-Pokemon-Master style people. But there's a catch...

DON'T's: Barring people that have previously mentioned mental disorders, it is highly unlikely that you're going to be able  to obsess over pokemon enough to know everything necessary to be a true pokemaniac, that takes a life time of never having a single friend. Instead I offer this advice, pick that one obscure pokemon, the one that no one really knows all the much about, and learn enough about it that people tell you to shut up whenever you bring it up in conversation. Get this down, and soon people will start thinking that maybe, just maybe, you could be a Pokemon Master...

BUT, there's more to it than just knowledge!


Step Three: The Rocket Grunt (Goon's Life and its draw backs)
Now, you may think that this guy is the bottom rung of a ladder that was scraped off of the bottom of the barrel where they used to hold the defecation of the bottom of the food chain and... well, you get the idea. But, believe it or not, there's a lot we can learn from this name-less face-less low life (and honestly, that says a lot about us).

DO's: These guys have one trait that all of us can truly aspire towards, and that is an absurdly over developed sense of dedication. It takes a ballsy person to begin with to go into battle with 4 rattattas and no back up plan, but it takes dedication to stick with it and see it through in the face of a level 100 Charizard. These guys have no fear, and that is easily one of the most important things when looking like a Pokemon Master. Sure, your team may be six Magikarps you bought off of a crazy fisherman because you heard they were delicious, but if you go into battle with the determination and fearlessness of a Rocket Grunt, your opponent will think they're the ones that are missing something. It makes you seem like you know something other people don't, and that's what makes a Pokemon Master.

DON'T's: It probably isn't a good idea to have all of that dedication focused on an evil super-organization that is frequently foiled by a lost 10 year old kid with a backwards hat and a bad attitude. Honestly, you're better off putting that dedication to something more worthwhile/stable. Like the Lottery, or your own self esteem. Just don't go joining cults, bad idea kids, bad idea.

Plus you could never pull off that uniform.


Step Four: The Gary Oak (You may be cool, but you'll never be ten-year-old in a sports car cool)
There are the idiots of the Pokemon world, and there are the Gary Oaks of the Pokemon world. The exact opposite of failure, he is the embodiment of all that can be done right when it comes to being a Pokemon Master. Why does his own grandfather not know his name? Because the Professor has been in awe of Gary's awesomeness since the day he was born, and never had the courage to approach the soon-to-be unstoppable force of the Pokemon world and ask his name. So he asks you, because you don't exude that kind of sheer bad-assery, BUT, here's what you can learn from it.

DO's: Unstoppable Badassery. That's what Gary Oak has that you never will. But you've got to fake it, you have to pretend to be almost on his level if you ever want people to think you're a Master. Do you know how many badges there are in the original pokemon? Eight. Now tell me how many Gary Oak has:
Hint: It's not eight.

Rumors say that there were originally ten gyms, but two of them didn't survive their battles with Gary Oak. While you will never be on his ten-badge-level, you can try to pretend. Tell people about your superhuman accomplishments. Try and talk about being nearly as cool as Gary Oak, and if people believe you, they'll think you have what it takes to be a Master.

DON'T's: Never, under any circumstances, think you are Gary Oak. He has abilities that no other human being could possibly posses. Attempts at being as out-right EPIC as Gary Oak will likely result in extreme embarrassment if not death. You cannot get away with driving a sports car through open fields as a ten year old, you cannot beat the entire elite four with a single level 5 Magikarp, and most of all, you cannot fly on a Spearow. We all know you're not that coordinated.

Not. On. His. Level.


Step Five: The end of Victory Road
So you think you've made it. You learned the do's and don't's of looking like a Pokemon Master, and now you're wondering if it actually worked. Here's how to check. Are you currently wearing Pokemon Merchandise and didn't even realize it? At any point in this blog did you believe even for a second that Pokemon are real? Are you pondering whether or not you'll die alone without a single friend? If you answered no to any of those questions, then you still have some ways to go towards looking like a Pokemon Master. But keep with the program, and someday, you'll be the very best, like no one ever was (except Gary  Oak).


Sunday, September 18, 2011

How to (Look Like You): Play Sports

Hello again, fellow internet dwellers. Today's topic involves something that many of you might find confusing. It involves physical activity, pain, aggressive competition, and theoretically "fun" (If you're not a pansy). You may have seen some of your friends doing this in that place they call "outside" or something like that. As you may have heard, this strange series of organized activities is called sports, and for some bizarre reason, we are all expected to know how to play these sports. With this in mind, I have decided to teach you all  how to look like you know how to play sports, so that you never have to go through the torture of actually learning! (Or you could just man up and do it).

Yeah, that looks like...fun. So. Much. Fun.


Step One: Don't be an idiot
You were expecting me to make a joke about athletic people being idiots here, weren't you? Well I won't, I'm better than that. It actually takes intelligence and strategy to win some of these games. Which is precisely why you need to not be an idiot in order to fake this! This time around you're actually going to need to know a thing or two to pull this off. But if you forget and mess up here or there or become inconsistent with your faking, it's OK, athletes don't remember very well anyway. And that's not because they're idiots, that's just the concussions...(Couldn't help but make fun of athletes, huh?)

Not an idiot, just a bit...punchy.


Step Two: Limber up
Actually playing sports is a whole lot of hard work and practice. They say it takes 1000 hours of practice to completely master something, but there are only 24 hours in a day, and if any of my guides take you more than a day to finish, I've done something horribly wrong. Honestly, I expect you all to have attention spans similar to mine, that is to say, the attention span of a goldfish.

A goldfish with internet access of course.

Luckily, there are a lot of sport-related activities that you can do to make people think you know how  to play sports, and they're easy to do! One of the  most common activities involved with playing sports is sweating, sweating everywhere clearly must be a sign of having fun, that and being uncomfortable, being afraid, and generally any unpleasant activity known to man. Yay sweat. It is relatively easy to work up a sweat though, just do some quick physical activity before you see the people you want to convince that you're athletic (a quick walk up the stairs should do it for you, Jor). Another way to convince someone you're serious about this is stretching, which if you didn't know, is contorting yourself into uncomfortable positions one after the next in order to make sure your muscles are long enough, or something like that...

Step Three: Pick a team, any team. (Not that team).
It seems that knowing how to play sports isn't enough to be an athletic person, apparently they are also interested in watching other people play sports better than them, guess they enjoy other people's torture as well (or they're capable of running more than 10 steps without hurting themselves). Therefore, you're going to need to be able to talk about watching sports in order to convince people that you are athletic, and that means you need to have a favorite team. The quickest way to do this: google "famous {insert sport here} player" pick a name that sounds cool, click their wikipedia entry, find out what team their on, and pick that one! That will make sure that you agree with most of the people that like that sports, because everyone likes the most famous players (just jump right on that band wagon). For example, Peyton Manning and the New England Patriots! They're still popular, right? Or do they suck now? (Manning plays for the...HEY the Patriots don't suck!)

Pictured: Peyton Manning ....Probably

With how often people change teams, which I'm pretty sure happens from time to time, if you accidentally get the wrong team, just mutter something about transfers and act like it was an honest mistake/some stupid team managers fault. Those sporty types will fall for it, once again, concussions (This is going to far Jor, I'll show you concussions!).

Step Four: Stay indoors, it's dangerous outside
In light of recent events, I have come up with a new little piece of advice that is very important for this guide. What ever you do, don't ever actually play sports (especially boxing) while pretending to be someone athletic. It turns out that sports can be very dangerous, especially when the people you play with are hyper-competitive, angry, and possibly part-bear, part-pterodactyl. It's best to not get caught out of your element and have to actually perform well in a sport, it tends to end badly, trust me... (I'll show you bear-o-dactyl, inside isn't safe either!)

              theoatmeal.com
Pictured: My asshole edit-afs;gkjsg (Pictured: THE BANE OF JOR'S EXISTENCE)

Step Five: Building character
It turns out, sometimes people we see through your charade, and will not be happy with the fact that you're only pretending to be athletic, or are upset that you think they can't understand polysyllabic words because of all their concussions (I'll show you polysyll- wait, what does that mean?). But it's ok, this can work out in your favor. As I stated before, sports are dangerous, so suddenly having cuts, bruises, and broken faces is expected of athletic people. If anyone asks why it looks like a 200 pound flying death monster mauled your face, just say it's from some really intense practicing. Let people know that they need to get on your level, and they'll finally believe you're athletic!

In conclusion, athletic people aren't idiots, and I think I need a new editor again. (And soon you're gonna need a doctor!)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

How To: Succeed in School (Or How To Look Like: A Good Student)

September has rolled around much faster than most of us would have liked it to, but despite our best efforts at travelling back in time for three more months of summer, it looks like it's about time for most of my readers to get back to school. With that in mind, many people might be trying to change up their image a little bit with this new semester (or a lot Ms.I-started-wearing-sweats-to-class-first-week). There are plenty of reasons for that new image to be that of a good student; whether you want to convince your parents it's still worth it to pay your tuition, make your teacher think you're smarter (proven to get you better grades by a statistical study I most likely didn't make up), or you're just trying to hook up with that cute nerdy boy/girl in your class, this is the guide for you! So pop out those contacts, pull out those old glasses, strap on those high-waters and LET'S DO THIS.


Step One: Don't be an idiot
Who would have thought that part of looking like a good student is not being an idiot? (Answer: Anyone who understands the title of this blog.) Sadly, this step is going to prove more difficult for some of you than it really should be. So to help you all out, I'm going to make a one time exception to this rule by changing it up a little bit. For this guide, I'm going to need you to at least not LOOK like an idiot.

Try a little harder...

For most of us, this problem can be solved in a single step. Stop talking. Ever heard of sticking your foot in your mouth? Idiots have an amazing talent for fitting two size twelves in there without any problem, so your best bet is to just keep it closed and keep reading...

Step Two: Nerd Swag
Nerd is the new chic. Just look at all the stereotypical nerd gear that hipsters are wearing these days! They have to be cool, "hip" is right there in the name! In case you're not up to date on modern nerd culture, I have a pointer or two here for you, and I've even divided it into an easy to reference format.
 Head Accessories: You can't go wrong with the stereotypical glasses, but there is a lot more you can do with your head than just try and improve your eyesight (get your mind out of the gutter, I know what you just thought). Just remember these two simple points: combs/brushes are your worst enemy, and shaving and make up should be performed with all the accuracy and tact of a blind orangutan.
The Upper Body: STOP! Right where you are! Tuck that shirt in! Roll those sleeves up! I didn't ask if you were wearing short sleeves, roll em up! Does your shirt have a pocket? No? Make one. Stock up on pens in your pocket, teachers love seeing pens. And stay away from that pocket protector... Seriously, no one wears those...
The Lower Body: Whatever you do, avoid clothing that fits properly or in any way makes you look good. If your legs just look BANGING in those new jeans you bought, no one is going to believe you actually get anything done for school, you'll be too busy getting things done
And presto-change-o you are already starting to look like you might actually be successful in school, however, there's more to it than just strutting around in your new nerd clothes, it's time to get the act down!

Step One is now recycling pictures to save trees!...er.. Internet trees?
(Also, look, no pocket protector. They're just dumb...)


Step Three: Similarities between you an a dog
Dog may not be the best word here, but there's a certain five letter word for a female dog that I don't think needs my help being spread around the internet. However, to be more accurate, it isn't a dog at all that you need to emulate, but instead strive to become: a bobble-head. It's a simple action, but it will make you every teacher's favorite student.

This particular bobble head is already several steps ahead of you.


As you do this, you will soon realize that teachers aren't doing their jobs because they want to spread knowledge, are goodhearted people, or even because of some kind of violent head trauma that would make someone want to lock themselves into a room with a large group of adolescents all day everyday. Every teacher out there is in it for only one reason, a WAY overdeveloped superiority complex. Why else would someone force themselves to constantly be surrounded by people that are not as intelligent as them? The only possible explanation is that they want to be right all the time and have no one question them. That's where you come in. Agree with every bit of stuck-up egocentric and confusing babble that pours from their underpaid mouths. And look like you enjoy every minute of it.

Step Four: Writing above the third-grade level
Despite your best efforts at looking like you're paying attention to the teacher, and agreeing with the extremely politically charged statements/accusations he is spewing, your teacher is still not going to give a damn who you are. Since he'll be too busy basking in how right he is in everything he says during class, the main way you're going to make an impression is going to be through writing. Here's where those wonderful internet skills come in. This is the part of the guide that might actually take a tiny bit of work, but not too much. (Oh quit your groaning already, you'll live). My suggestion is taking time and using the internet to help you make one very well written email, with some mad-lib like blanks in it, preferably one that talks about classes and learning or some other nonsense like that. Then, fill in some blanks and send that email to everyone that you want to make think you're a good student!

"This better not have any comma splices, I don't want to have to fail another idiot"

The best part is, if they respond, you don't even have to type up a second email! Just ignore it and if you ever run into the person and they ask about it, talk about how you haven't had a chance to write back because you've spent all of your free time doing homework, or you gave up the internet for lent, or any number of excuses, use your imagination, no one actually expects to hear back when emailing nowadays.

Step Five: Soullessness 
There is only one thing you have left to master in looking like a good student. One final touch that makes all the difference, and to understand, you will have to find a REAL good student, and observe. You will find something is off about them, something is strange, it isn't that they possess something we normal people don't have. No, instead they LACK something. The years of hard work, effort, and sucking up to scumbag teachers has left their eyes devoid of life, their voice absent of any hints of joy, and the soul of a lively young person missing from their bodies. It is a difficult look to fake, but once mastered, it is the true sign of a good student, and the easiest way to fool someone. I suggest watching the scene in Lion King where Mufasa dies on repeat for a few hours, if you can sit through that, you've got soullessness down pat...

If you aren't crying right now, you're done with this guide. Just go...go....