Sunday, July 29, 2012

How To (Look Like You Can): Get a Date

If you're one of those rare people that doesn't intend to spend the rest of his or her life alone with their computer shunning all of society, you probably want to find a "significant other." The first step in this process (after don't be an idiot, of course) is often the most feared and dangerous of all: getting a date. There are plenty of guides on the subject, with countless ideas and tips on how to land yourself a lady (or a man (or a ladyman, hey I'm not here to judge)). Lucky for you, I'm all about the bandwagon, so let's jump on board and talk about getting your flirt on.

Pretty sure there's room for me on there.



Step One: Don't be an idiot
Nobody wants to go on a date with an idiot. While clearly there there is some secret trick idiots use to manage to land dates, that's not going to be the subject of this guide, because frankly it's not that exciting. And what it says about people as a whole is also a little bit depressing. The way we're going to approach this is going to be smooth, cool, and totally bad-ass. Trying to pull this off while being an idiot is like a fighter pilot going into a dog fight with one engine already out and no ammo. Actually, come to think of it, trying to get a date is a lot like being a fighter pilot, only substantially less cool.

Pictured: Someone cooler than you


So that's what I want you to keep in mind throughout the remainder of this guide. You're a bad-ass fighter pilot. Take that confidence and use it to put on your best game face because this isn't going to be easy. But, hey, if all else in this guide just tell someone you're a fighter pilot. I guess you could say it's worth a SHOT! (See what I did there? (They shoot things, that's what fighter pilots do (it's like a pun, see? because you...you know what, nevermind...))). Anyways...

Step Two: Selecting a target
Now that you've got yourself in the right state of mind, it's time to get you on that date. One of the most important parts of getting on that date, is finding the right person to ask out. This can be pretty hectic and crazy, trying to find the right stranger in the tangled mess of people we pass everyday in our lives. In fact, it's a lot like trying to pick out a target during the hectic madness of a dogfight, miles up in the air, as planes burst into flames left and right...

This is somehow equivalent to your dating scene.


Picking your "target" is a complicated process with a lot of different factors involved. You may think personal preferences or compatibility would be a big factor, but that's where you'd be wrong. It's actually much more generic and universal, who knew? Just like our friend the fighter pilot, you're going to want to pick a nice, slow target. You'll want someone that looks like they don't think very hard, or often. Let's be honest, with the average looks and social skills of an internet dweller, you need all the handicaps you can get. Next, you're going to need to find someone that looks like they really don't have a lot left in them. Like they're just about ready give-up and they would be willing to run with almost any suggestion given to them, it's your go sign to move in, it's the smoke coming off a plane that might already be going down, and needs you to land that one last shot.

Metaphorically speaking, this is what counts as your "type"


So let's say you've located the saddest and slowest looking bogey, I mean bimbo, I mean... person... The next step is where things get interesting.

Step Three: Getting a lock on the target
So now you've got your sights on someone, next step is getting them in your sights (just pretend that metaphor made sense). Lining it up and getting that lock is all about prediction, it's about knowing your opponents next move before they even know that they don't know what you know. Ya know? You have to anticipate that left bank and get a lead on them, you have to have your missiles armed to be ready for the shot, saving you those precious moments that could mean life or death for you and your target. And this probably in someway relates to people and asking someone out...

I'm getting a little too excited about those whole fighter pilot thing...


Yes, you're going to need to be able to anticipate the person you're trying to ask out, by getting to know them. Found out what they're most likely going to respond to. Stalk them if you must, in this day and age that's not only more socially acceptable, it's practically expected. Once you've gathered some knowledge and info on the person you're going to shoot down, I mean, ask out, it's time to move in and finalize it. Just like once you've gotten into the head of that enemy pilot. You know what it's like to be in his seat, behind the controls of a little metal box armed to the teeth and flying by at supersonic speeds, where seconds and milliseconds can make all the difference. You've gone through the training, just like him, you know he's going to try the barrel roll, try to get away, but he won't finish that maneuver, you know exactly where he's going to be, and only one thing is left...


Step Four: Making the shot
ALRIGHT, LIEUTENANT! This is the moment all of this has been leading up to. You've got the lock, he's trying evasive maneuvers, but you know better than him. It's almost reflex at this point, just like in the simulators you've done over and over. You can't let yourself think of it as anything other than like the simulator, there's no time for hesitation. In your head, you whisper a short prayer for the life you have to take, but outloud you can hear yourself saying "Fox 3 Armed. Fox 3 Away....Splash." And that was all it took, after all the preparation and training, it was as easy as that. Looks like you've made yourself a hero once again, Ace.

Good Job, Soldier.


And that's it for my guide on how to win a dogfight as a fighter pilot, join me next week when I talk about attack helicopters and anti-aircraft avoidance measures!

When I'm not getting easily distracted, I can be found trying to be insightful on Twitter @TheyCallMeJor or saying nice things about people that read this blog. Please leave comments letting me know what you think, or give suggestions for guides you want to see in the future!

Monday, July 23, 2012

How To (Look Like You Can): Fight

There are plenty of reasons to want people to think you know how to fight. Maybe you want to look tough for the ladies. Maybe you have a score that only fists can settle. Perhaps the local bullies are on your case, and Mr. Miyagi already gave up on training you because "your anger will lead you to the Dark Side." No matter what the reason, this guide is here to help you fake your way into combative victory.

Pictured: Mr. Miyagi 


So roll up your sleeves, put on your big boy pants, and try not to wet yourself as we step into the ring. It's time to learn to fight, Step One style.

Step One: Don't be an idiot
This step might not be as easy to see as it is in other posts. But, like most things in faking your way to success, the key is subtlety. In this case it's the subtle difference between being an idiot, and multiple concussions.  The moderate to severe speech impediment, lack of short term memory, and general inability to form sentences that are mistaken for idiocy in serious fighters is actually what we in the biz like to call being a bit "punchy." So, unless you have some head trauma of your own to blame it on, you've got no excuse for being an idiot.

Punchy

Now for some actual instruction on how to not be an idiot. In this case, it's rather simple: DUCK. I mean this in both the literal and metaphorical sense. Metaphorically speaking, you need to avoid actual fighting. No matter how many underdog victory stories you hear, manning up to face your fears and fight that 6'7'' wall of muscles will most likely result in your death. And literally speaking, well... getting punched in the face hurts. Just take my word on that one.

Step Two: You gotta talk the walk
Everyone knows that fights are 75% mental 20% actual fighting and 10% knowing when to duck (that's what we call punchy-math). Therefore, winning the theoretical fight mostly comes down to being able to psych out your opponent and yourself. Assuming my readers engage in approximately as much physical activity as I do, the majority of your muscles are slowly atrophying, and you have difficultly actually forming your hand into a fist to throw a punch. But your opponent doesn't need to know that. If you've got the bark, people won't be able to tell you don't have the bite.

I suggest looking for opponents here.

So keep up the smack talk, emphasize how many forms of martial arts you know (read as: Google'd once), what you will/won't do to your opponents genitals, and of course, the number of people you are capable of killing with your bare hands (you might want to exaggerate a little). This will work to scare off many opponents; however, sometimes, people will call you out, and you'll have to back up your claims. Luckily, you came prepared because you remembered:

Step Three: Every scar has a story
This is the part of the guide where you do Mr. Sun-Tzu proud, and come into battle with a little pre-planned strategy. Remember, actually getting into a fight means almost certain defeat, so for us, the battle is going to refer to the smack talking and psychological warfare that takes place before any fists start flying. The best way to win the pre-fight rounds is to have the best stories, and to go into the most graphic, specific, intimate details of everything that happened. In the verbal battles you'll face, specificity is going to be your best weapon. A well kept secret of the trade: the more specific and detailed a threat or story is, the more terrifying it will be for all those that hear it. So when you tell your stories, remember: you didn't win the fight, you walked away from the scene leaving only mostly-dead bodies arranged in the shape of a giant hand flipping the bird as a warning; you didn't get that scar when a druggie knifed you, you caught that knife with your torso while avoiding your vital organs by mere millimeters and still managing to take him out with a quick Knee of Justice to the solar plexus; and you didn't fight ten guys by yourself, you fought off a gang of 10 burly bikers armed only with your wit, your wicked right hook, and some roadkill you found as you walked in. If that doesn't phase them, go into specifics on what you did with the piece of a squirrel body to the top half of the bikers left eyebrow. If nothing else, they'll call the fight off because you've rambled on for hours with the story of every mark on your body.

The story of that small scar you can sometimes see on my left knee. Abridged, of course.

But if you truly have mastered the sedentary lifestyle of a child of the computer age, you might have some trouble backing up your claims. People are going to expect some physical evidence of the fantastic stories you tell. Which is where things get interesting...


Step Four: Pain Time. Bruises mean you're doing it right
It's time to get full on crazy if you want to pull this off. You're already in too deep to back out now, after those comments about what you'll do to the town tough guy's left kneecap with a dull spoon you've really got to commit. No real tough guy is going to believe you without something to back up your claims of glorious victory on the field of battle. If you want people to think you're the toughest of the tough, you're going to have to tough it out in the toughest of situations. Tough. Since actually getting into fights is out of the question (remember the whole dying horribly part) you're going to have to find a new way to get those scars and bruises. And when it comes to something that is potentially life threatening, trust no one but yourself. It's time to find that pointy object and give yourself some new "stories."

Woah, slow down emo dude, not exactly what I had in mind.

Aim a few swings back at yourself and get something to brag about around the fight club water cooler. Ignore any concerns from friends and family, you've got this under control. And if they won't back down, challenge them to a fight. No one is going to mess with someone that has a semi-permanent bruise on his face roughly the size of his own fist. Keep up the scar-making, and try to keep it a secret, but if someone sees you if might even work out in your favor. You just went from guy that fights all the time, to the guy that's so much of a fighter he fights himself when there's no one else around to punch.

Keep up the good work, Champ.

But if you're doing it right, this is only the beginning...


Step Five: Faking your own death
If you've followed this guide so far, you have managed to spend hours coming up with an elaborate imaginary back story, angered and personally threatened every major fighter/tough guy within 50 miles, estranged your entire family and friend group, developed psychotic self-destructive tendencies, and probably started some sort of revolution against society at some point along the way.


But don't worry. Your friends here at Step One have got you covered. Just because there are several people with open fight challenges/death threats aimed at you, a warrant for your arrest, and the Nice Men in White Coats are coming to take you in for "your protection," doesn't mean it's time to give up. No, it was time to give up a while ago, now you're left with only one way out, Possum Style. Now, the specifics on this step aren't really important, the only thing you need to do make sure to do is leave a lot of evidence pinning your butler as the murderer and flee to a different country. I suggest France, they know what it's like to take a beating a lose a fight they never even fought. And if that doesn't work out for you, well... Good luck, God Speed, and remember to duck.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

How to (Look Like You Have): Become a Pokemon Master

*Note: This post is dedicated to my friend Hunter of ZekGaming, whose awesome up and coming YouTube channel can be found here.

Most, if not all of us, have extensive experience with a tv show/videogame/card game/lifestyle known as Pokemon. Pokemon sets a goal that everyone will try to obtain, but few will actually reach, the goal of becoming a Pokemon Master.

Yes. You should be singing the theme song right now.

However, becoming a Pokemon Master can take years of training and practice, and humiliating defeats that teach you life long lessons. If you think we're actually going to go through all of that, you haven't been reading this blog very long. So now, a secret Team Rocket has been trying to figure out since we were small children, how to fake your way to being a Pokemon Master!

Step One: Don't be an idiot
One repeating theme that you're going to see as you navigate your way across the dangerous world of Pokemon and trainers is that the world is populated by complete morons and 11 year olds that run free and and unsupervised. Aside from the sheer chaos that this system causes, it also provides a plethora of great examples of what NOT to do to make people think you're a Pokemon Master.

And a few examples of EXACTLY what to be.

Since becoming a Pokemon Master is a long process that has many different routes, what I'm going to focus on instead is what not to do. And we'll do it by looking at the Do's and Don't's of some of the main Idiots of the Pokemon world. You may not want to be an idiot like them, but there's a thing or two you can still learn from them.

Step Two: The PokeManiac (OCD and you)




These crazy little guys love pokemon more than anything else, including other human beings, societal norms, and proper hygiene habits. Despite the obvious obsessive tendencies, clingy natures, and other horrible side-effects of being a Pokemaniac, there are some things you can learn from them.

DO's: The one thing the Pokemaniacs have over most of us regular people is knowledge. I don't mean PokeNerd style (you can't just add "Poke" to the beginnings of words and make them apply to this blog), but I mean the kind of stalker-esque knowledge that can only be gathered by someone with a mental problem making them obsess over things, or someone with access to facebook. This knowledge is what gives them a claim at being near-Pokemon-Master style people. But there's a catch...

DON'T's: Barring people that have previously mentioned mental disorders, it is highly unlikely that you're going to be able  to obsess over pokemon enough to know everything necessary to be a true pokemaniac, that takes a life time of never having a single friend. Instead I offer this advice, pick that one obscure pokemon, the one that no one really knows all the much about, and learn enough about it that people tell you to shut up whenever you bring it up in conversation. Get this down, and soon people will start thinking that maybe, just maybe, you could be a Pokemon Master...

BUT, there's more to it than just knowledge!


Step Three: The Rocket Grunt (Goon's Life and its draw backs)
Now, you may think that this guy is the bottom rung of a ladder that was scraped off of the bottom of the barrel where they used to hold the defecation of the bottom of the food chain and... well, you get the idea. But, believe it or not, there's a lot we can learn from this name-less face-less low life (and honestly, that says a lot about us).

DO's: These guys have one trait that all of us can truly aspire towards, and that is an absurdly over developed sense of dedication. It takes a ballsy person to begin with to go into battle with 4 rattattas and no back up plan, but it takes dedication to stick with it and see it through in the face of a level 100 Charizard. These guys have no fear, and that is easily one of the most important things when looking like a Pokemon Master. Sure, your team may be six Magikarps you bought off of a crazy fisherman because you heard they were delicious, but if you go into battle with the determination and fearlessness of a Rocket Grunt, your opponent will think they're the ones that are missing something. It makes you seem like you know something other people don't, and that's what makes a Pokemon Master.

DON'T's: It probably isn't a good idea to have all of that dedication focused on an evil super-organization that is frequently foiled by a lost 10 year old kid with a backwards hat and a bad attitude. Honestly, you're better off putting that dedication to something more worthwhile/stable. Like the Lottery, or your own self esteem. Just don't go joining cults, bad idea kids, bad idea.

Plus you could never pull off that uniform.


Step Four: The Gary Oak (You may be cool, but you'll never be ten-year-old in a sports car cool)
There are the idiots of the Pokemon world, and there are the Gary Oaks of the Pokemon world. The exact opposite of failure, he is the embodiment of all that can be done right when it comes to being a Pokemon Master. Why does his own grandfather not know his name? Because the Professor has been in awe of Gary's awesomeness since the day he was born, and never had the courage to approach the soon-to-be unstoppable force of the Pokemon world and ask his name. So he asks you, because you don't exude that kind of sheer bad-assery, BUT, here's what you can learn from it.

DO's: Unstoppable Badassery. That's what Gary Oak has that you never will. But you've got to fake it, you have to pretend to be almost on his level if you ever want people to think you're a Master. Do you know how many badges there are in the original pokemon? Eight. Now tell me how many Gary Oak has:
Hint: It's not eight.

Rumors say that there were originally ten gyms, but two of them didn't survive their battles with Gary Oak. While you will never be on his ten-badge-level, you can try to pretend. Tell people about your superhuman accomplishments. Try and talk about being nearly as cool as Gary Oak, and if people believe you, they'll think you have what it takes to be a Master.

DON'T's: Never, under any circumstances, think you are Gary Oak. He has abilities that no other human being could possibly posses. Attempts at being as out-right EPIC as Gary Oak will likely result in extreme embarrassment if not death. You cannot get away with driving a sports car through open fields as a ten year old, you cannot beat the entire elite four with a single level 5 Magikarp, and most of all, you cannot fly on a Spearow. We all know you're not that coordinated.

Not. On. His. Level.


Step Five: The end of Victory Road
So you think you've made it. You learned the do's and don't's of looking like a Pokemon Master, and now you're wondering if it actually worked. Here's how to check. Are you currently wearing Pokemon Merchandise and didn't even realize it? At any point in this blog did you believe even for a second that Pokemon are real? Are you pondering whether or not you'll die alone without a single friend? If you answered no to any of those questions, then you still have some ways to go towards looking like a Pokemon Master. But keep with the program, and someday, you'll be the very best, like no one ever was (except Gary  Oak).


Sunday, September 18, 2011

How to (Look Like You): Play Sports

Hello again, fellow internet dwellers. Today's topic involves something that many of you might find confusing. It involves physical activity, pain, aggressive competition, and theoretically "fun" (If you're not a pansy). You may have seen some of your friends doing this in that place they call "outside" or something like that. As you may have heard, this strange series of organized activities is called sports, and for some bizarre reason, we are all expected to know how to play these sports. With this in mind, I have decided to teach you all  how to look like you know how to play sports, so that you never have to go through the torture of actually learning! (Or you could just man up and do it).

Yeah, that looks like...fun. So. Much. Fun.


Step One: Don't be an idiot
You were expecting me to make a joke about athletic people being idiots here, weren't you? Well I won't, I'm better than that. It actually takes intelligence and strategy to win some of these games. Which is precisely why you need to not be an idiot in order to fake this! This time around you're actually going to need to know a thing or two to pull this off. But if you forget and mess up here or there or become inconsistent with your faking, it's OK, athletes don't remember very well anyway. And that's not because they're idiots, that's just the concussions...(Couldn't help but make fun of athletes, huh?)

Not an idiot, just a bit...punchy.


Step Two: Limber up
Actually playing sports is a whole lot of hard work and practice. They say it takes 1000 hours of practice to completely master something, but there are only 24 hours in a day, and if any of my guides take you more than a day to finish, I've done something horribly wrong. Honestly, I expect you all to have attention spans similar to mine, that is to say, the attention span of a goldfish.

A goldfish with internet access of course.

Luckily, there are a lot of sport-related activities that you can do to make people think you know how  to play sports, and they're easy to do! One of the  most common activities involved with playing sports is sweating, sweating everywhere clearly must be a sign of having fun, that and being uncomfortable, being afraid, and generally any unpleasant activity known to man. Yay sweat. It is relatively easy to work up a sweat though, just do some quick physical activity before you see the people you want to convince that you're athletic (a quick walk up the stairs should do it for you, Jor). Another way to convince someone you're serious about this is stretching, which if you didn't know, is contorting yourself into uncomfortable positions one after the next in order to make sure your muscles are long enough, or something like that...

Step Three: Pick a team, any team. (Not that team).
It seems that knowing how to play sports isn't enough to be an athletic person, apparently they are also interested in watching other people play sports better than them, guess they enjoy other people's torture as well (or they're capable of running more than 10 steps without hurting themselves). Therefore, you're going to need to be able to talk about watching sports in order to convince people that you are athletic, and that means you need to have a favorite team. The quickest way to do this: google "famous {insert sport here} player" pick a name that sounds cool, click their wikipedia entry, find out what team their on, and pick that one! That will make sure that you agree with most of the people that like that sports, because everyone likes the most famous players (just jump right on that band wagon). For example, Peyton Manning and the New England Patriots! They're still popular, right? Or do they suck now? (Manning plays for the...HEY the Patriots don't suck!)

Pictured: Peyton Manning ....Probably

With how often people change teams, which I'm pretty sure happens from time to time, if you accidentally get the wrong team, just mutter something about transfers and act like it was an honest mistake/some stupid team managers fault. Those sporty types will fall for it, once again, concussions (This is going to far Jor, I'll show you concussions!).

Step Four: Stay indoors, it's dangerous outside
In light of recent events, I have come up with a new little piece of advice that is very important for this guide. What ever you do, don't ever actually play sports (especially boxing) while pretending to be someone athletic. It turns out that sports can be very dangerous, especially when the people you play with are hyper-competitive, angry, and possibly part-bear, part-pterodactyl. It's best to not get caught out of your element and have to actually perform well in a sport, it tends to end badly, trust me... (I'll show you bear-o-dactyl, inside isn't safe either!)

              theoatmeal.com
Pictured: My asshole edit-afs;gkjsg (Pictured: THE BANE OF JOR'S EXISTENCE)

Step Five: Building character
It turns out, sometimes people we see through your charade, and will not be happy with the fact that you're only pretending to be athletic, or are upset that you think they can't understand polysyllabic words because of all their concussions (I'll show you polysyll- wait, what does that mean?). But it's ok, this can work out in your favor. As I stated before, sports are dangerous, so suddenly having cuts, bruises, and broken faces is expected of athletic people. If anyone asks why it looks like a 200 pound flying death monster mauled your face, just say it's from some really intense practicing. Let people know that they need to get on your level, and they'll finally believe you're athletic!

In conclusion, athletic people aren't idiots, and I think I need a new editor again. (And soon you're gonna need a doctor!)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

How To: Succeed in School (Or How To Look Like: A Good Student)

September has rolled around much faster than most of us would have liked it to, but despite our best efforts at travelling back in time for three more months of summer, it looks like it's about time for most of my readers to get back to school. With that in mind, many people might be trying to change up their image a little bit with this new semester (or a lot Ms.I-started-wearing-sweats-to-class-first-week). There are plenty of reasons for that new image to be that of a good student; whether you want to convince your parents it's still worth it to pay your tuition, make your teacher think you're smarter (proven to get you better grades by a statistical study I most likely didn't make up), or you're just trying to hook up with that cute nerdy boy/girl in your class, this is the guide for you! So pop out those contacts, pull out those old glasses, strap on those high-waters and LET'S DO THIS.


Step One: Don't be an idiot
Who would have thought that part of looking like a good student is not being an idiot? (Answer: Anyone who understands the title of this blog.) Sadly, this step is going to prove more difficult for some of you than it really should be. So to help you all out, I'm going to make a one time exception to this rule by changing it up a little bit. For this guide, I'm going to need you to at least not LOOK like an idiot.

Try a little harder...

For most of us, this problem can be solved in a single step. Stop talking. Ever heard of sticking your foot in your mouth? Idiots have an amazing talent for fitting two size twelves in there without any problem, so your best bet is to just keep it closed and keep reading...

Step Two: Nerd Swag
Nerd is the new chic. Just look at all the stereotypical nerd gear that hipsters are wearing these days! They have to be cool, "hip" is right there in the name! In case you're not up to date on modern nerd culture, I have a pointer or two here for you, and I've even divided it into an easy to reference format.
 Head Accessories: You can't go wrong with the stereotypical glasses, but there is a lot more you can do with your head than just try and improve your eyesight (get your mind out of the gutter, I know what you just thought). Just remember these two simple points: combs/brushes are your worst enemy, and shaving and make up should be performed with all the accuracy and tact of a blind orangutan.
The Upper Body: STOP! Right where you are! Tuck that shirt in! Roll those sleeves up! I didn't ask if you were wearing short sleeves, roll em up! Does your shirt have a pocket? No? Make one. Stock up on pens in your pocket, teachers love seeing pens. And stay away from that pocket protector... Seriously, no one wears those...
The Lower Body: Whatever you do, avoid clothing that fits properly or in any way makes you look good. If your legs just look BANGING in those new jeans you bought, no one is going to believe you actually get anything done for school, you'll be too busy getting things done
And presto-change-o you are already starting to look like you might actually be successful in school, however, there's more to it than just strutting around in your new nerd clothes, it's time to get the act down!

Step One is now recycling pictures to save trees!...er.. Internet trees?
(Also, look, no pocket protector. They're just dumb...)


Step Three: Similarities between you an a dog
Dog may not be the best word here, but there's a certain five letter word for a female dog that I don't think needs my help being spread around the internet. However, to be more accurate, it isn't a dog at all that you need to emulate, but instead strive to become: a bobble-head. It's a simple action, but it will make you every teacher's favorite student.

This particular bobble head is already several steps ahead of you.


As you do this, you will soon realize that teachers aren't doing their jobs because they want to spread knowledge, are goodhearted people, or even because of some kind of violent head trauma that would make someone want to lock themselves into a room with a large group of adolescents all day everyday. Every teacher out there is in it for only one reason, a WAY overdeveloped superiority complex. Why else would someone force themselves to constantly be surrounded by people that are not as intelligent as them? The only possible explanation is that they want to be right all the time and have no one question them. That's where you come in. Agree with every bit of stuck-up egocentric and confusing babble that pours from their underpaid mouths. And look like you enjoy every minute of it.

Step Four: Writing above the third-grade level
Despite your best efforts at looking like you're paying attention to the teacher, and agreeing with the extremely politically charged statements/accusations he is spewing, your teacher is still not going to give a damn who you are. Since he'll be too busy basking in how right he is in everything he says during class, the main way you're going to make an impression is going to be through writing. Here's where those wonderful internet skills come in. This is the part of the guide that might actually take a tiny bit of work, but not too much. (Oh quit your groaning already, you'll live). My suggestion is taking time and using the internet to help you make one very well written email, with some mad-lib like blanks in it, preferably one that talks about classes and learning or some other nonsense like that. Then, fill in some blanks and send that email to everyone that you want to make think you're a good student!

"This better not have any comma splices, I don't want to have to fail another idiot"

The best part is, if they respond, you don't even have to type up a second email! Just ignore it and if you ever run into the person and they ask about it, talk about how you haven't had a chance to write back because you've spent all of your free time doing homework, or you gave up the internet for lent, or any number of excuses, use your imagination, no one actually expects to hear back when emailing nowadays.

Step Five: Soullessness 
There is only one thing you have left to master in looking like a good student. One final touch that makes all the difference, and to understand, you will have to find a REAL good student, and observe. You will find something is off about them, something is strange, it isn't that they possess something we normal people don't have. No, instead they LACK something. The years of hard work, effort, and sucking up to scumbag teachers has left their eyes devoid of life, their voice absent of any hints of joy, and the soul of a lively young person missing from their bodies. It is a difficult look to fake, but once mastered, it is the true sign of a good student, and the easiest way to fool someone. I suggest watching the scene in Lion King where Mufasa dies on repeat for a few hours, if you can sit through that, you've got soullessness down pat...

If you aren't crying right now, you're done with this guide. Just go...go....

Sunday, August 28, 2011

How To (Look Like You): Work Hard

If all goes according to the pretty little plan society has set out for you, you will eventually have a job, or if you're lucky, you already have one. In either situation, you're going to find it necessary to convince your superiors at that you are working hard. Whether it's to get a raise, avoid getting fired, or just to keep yourself away from the sweat shop overseer's whip, you're going to have to be dedicated, focused, and task oriented (or at least look like you are). That's where this guide comes in, by the time I'm done with you, even the most scrutinizing, antagonistic, out-to-get-you boss you could have won't be able to prove that you didn't get anything done!

"Alright, you get to keep your job....for today."


Step One: Don't be an idiot
It is a proven scientific fact that business owners and managers hate idiots. However, this time you're going to have to try to avoid both extremes of the spectrum. It turns out, being intelligent is just as detrimental to appearing to be a good worker as having no idea what you're doing. Trust me, you will hear a thousand times about how "innovation" and "moving forward" are some of your workplace's values and focuses; what your manager actually wants you to hear is "if you are innovative and forward thinking and I can't take the credit for it, I'll fire you before you can make me look bad." In our modern bureaucratic pyramid business model, almost everyone you work for is going to be working for someone else, and no one wants to have their boss to
know that one of their little wage-slave underlings is more intelligent than them. I think it has something to do with hormones and alpha-males or something like that. And with more women in the workplace now, the alpha-male getting out done by a female is a disgrace that calls for nothing short of hara-kiri in most modern societies.

Most companies will even supply the incense. 

It's a delicate balance that you have to be aware of at all times. Trust me, it's still easier than doing whatever it is you're supposed to do at your job. So to sum this step up, don't be too much of an idiot, because no one believes an idiot is a hard worker, but be enough of an idiot that you don't attract the attention of the alpha-males

Pictured: The alpha-male and you.
Step Two: Develop a Manager Sense
The most important part of looking like a hard worker is not getting caught being a lazy workerq. Now this could easily be solved by working hard the entire time you're supposed to be working, but if you wanted to go that far you wouldn't be reading this blog. A much easier and more efficient way to handle this problem is to always know where your manager is, so that you never get caught. I'm not implying that you actually somehow create a sixth sense where you can detect managers coming around the corner or anything like that, mainly because humans already have way more than six senses. No, you're going to have to be a bit trickier to pull this one off.

The How To Look Like a Super Hero Guide will be a separate entry.

The easier ways to figure out where your manager is are usually things like, knowing their schedule, setting up mirrors to see around corners (use safety or something as an excuse), or having a look-out schedule with your other workers. What your system is exactly isn't important, what is important is that you know where your manager is, and you don't get caught.

Step Three: The habits of a hard worker
Keeping a close eye on your manager will make sure they never catch you when you aren't working hard, but at some point you will not be able to avoid them any longer, and under their scrutinizing gaze you still have to look like you're at least a half way decent worker. The most efficient way of looking like you're working hard is to pick up on the habits actual hard workers have and imitate those (preferably the easy ones). But to help you start off before you have a chance to observe hard workers, I have some simple suggestions for you. No matter where you work, cleanliness will be a very important part of your job. Whether you work in sales and they want things to be presentable, or you work in food service and they want you to "try not to spread the plague" or some nonsense like that, your superiors are going to want you to keep a clean, hygienic, and non-poisonous work area. The easiest way to look like you're helping with this goal is to find a couple of the dirtiest or most important parts of the work place and stay near them, then when your manager sense is tingling, start wiping down or in some way cleaning this dirty area.

You can go ahead and let her clean that herself...

Your supervisors will appreciate your cleanliness AND your ability to prioritize the areas that need cleaning more (you can go ahead and dedicate your employee of the month award to me). Another option is the super prepared notary look. The idea behind this is carrying a pad of paper and a pencil with you wherever you go. Whenever the manager/supervisor is around start writing something on your notebook so that it looks like you care deeply about your job. Whether you pretend to be writing suggestions for safety (managers LOVE safety), taking inventory, or being "innovative" (but not too innovative, see step one) doesn't really matter, the important part is, they think you care! (Warning: writing too much may cause you to actually care about your job, avoid this at all costs).

Step Four: Working hard in unemployment
Inevitably all good things must come to an end. Whether you quit, someone finally catches on to you, or your inattentiveness caused your place of work to burn to the ground, you will eventually find yourself out of the job that you have been pretending to work so hard at this entire time. The important thing to remember during your time of jobless-ness is to keep up that image of a hard worker.  The easiest way to get yourself hired into a new job is to show them how hard of a worker you were and will continue to be. Find some references that will tell employers how dedicated and focused you are (we all have some friends willing to lie for us), keep up your habits of looking like you're working whenever someone important is around, and most importantly, remember to always follow STEP ONE.


Sunday, August 21, 2011

How To (Look Like You Have): Become More Popular

Everyone wants to be popular. I mean everyone, even hermits and misanthropes want it. Their screams of "Stay away from me you worthless societal sheep!" actually mean, "I want you to love me in an entirely artificial way." I'm not talking about true friendship with hard won loyalty or anything like that. No, I mean throngs of people that want to pay attention to you for no other reason than because everyone else pays attention to you. Now you may think all of your "friends" on the Facespace, MyBook, or Twitter+ means that you're popular, but trust me, without the help of this guide, no one is actually paying attention to you...

It doesn't count if you make second account to like your own posts.

Step One: Don't be an idiot
This is one of those steps that seems simultaneously obvious and counter-intuitive. While not being an idiot is good advice for just about any aspect of life, most of us have plenty of anecdotes about the times when this wasn't true (because almost all of us were in highschool once). There is an important difference between those idiots that were popular, and you wallowing in your own "brilliant" unpopularity. I don't actually know what that difference is, because if I did, I would be a whole lot more popular, and a whole lot less capable of typing complete sentences (with actual words).

Side-effects: typn lyk dis 2 look coolr

Step Two: Walk the talk and talk the walk
Now that we have established that you aren't an idiot, it's time to start pretending that you're popular. You may think this would be a simple act of mimicry, but you would be surprised. It turns out, it is extremely difficult to act like a cool person, because cool people don't actually ever DO anything (except be cooler than you, they do that a lot). Want proof, check the facebook of anyone you think is popular, their activities will include "hanging out" "chillin" and several other ways of phrasing never doing anything, and maybe one or two activities that they are clearly lying about (bull shit you're a professional bear wrestler, what do you think this is, Canada?).

You, sir, are no Lincoln.


However, if you were to try to look popular by doing nothing, I give you 5.6 seconds before someone calls you out on just being lazy. That's why it's time to walk the talk. If you actually go out and actually do all of the cool things that popular people talk about doing, everyone will think that you're just the bees knees. If you need some examples, I suggest becoming a rock star, alcohol fueled black-out fests, and every sport ever invented at the same time. Or you could just try the lies posted on the popular people's facebooks! (Disclaimer: "Step One" is not suggesting that any readers attempt wrestling a bear and holds no responsibility for any injuries you may sustain while attempting to appear popular).

As for talking the walk. Well. Good luck with that, I'm still not sure what it even means...

Step Three:  Making people hate you, so it looks like people like you
So, you're now acting like a cool person, you should think that would be enough to make people think you are popular, but there's still a few things you're missing (because a two step how to would just be dumb). The most important part of being popular, and the reason why being popular is such and attractive goal, is because other people aren't popular. Even wants to be part of that exclusiveness, and the only way people are going to believe you're popular, is if you too embody that smug superior attitude that everyone has grown to hate. Therefore you need to go out and ostracize any of your unpopular friends you already have! Actively seek out "average" people and make sure they know that you feel superior to them. Once everyone sees that you don't like them, they'll think that everyone likes you!

People must love them!

Step Four: Winning the social game
This step is simply sustaining the image. Keep up what you've learned so far, and people will think you're popular in no time. The important things to remember from here on out: keep doing epic and possibly life threatening things, claim that they are simply your hobbies in order to make sure that no one can relate to your level of epic-ness; under no circumstances make an actual friend or return to those you ostracized, feelings such as trust and caring will make you appear uncool and destroy your image; and, as always, don't be an idiot. Follow these steps to the letter and you may end up friendless, half dead, and considered a borderline sociopath, but everyone will be pretty sure you're somhow related to this guy: