Sunday, August 28, 2011

How To (Look Like You): Work Hard

If all goes according to the pretty little plan society has set out for you, you will eventually have a job, or if you're lucky, you already have one. In either situation, you're going to find it necessary to convince your superiors at that you are working hard. Whether it's to get a raise, avoid getting fired, or just to keep yourself away from the sweat shop overseer's whip, you're going to have to be dedicated, focused, and task oriented (or at least look like you are). That's where this guide comes in, by the time I'm done with you, even the most scrutinizing, antagonistic, out-to-get-you boss you could have won't be able to prove that you didn't get anything done!

"Alright, you get to keep your job....for today."

Step One: Don't be an idiot
It is a proven scientific fact that business owners and managers hate idiots. However, this time you're going to have to try to avoid both extremes of the spectrum. It turns out, being intelligent is just as detrimental to appearing to be a good worker as having no idea what you're doing. Trust me, you will hear a thousand times about how "innovation" and "moving forward" are some of your workplace's values and focuses; what your manager actually wants you to hear is "if you are innovative and forward thinking and I can't take the credit for it, I'll fire you before you can make me look bad." In our modern bureaucratic pyramid business model, almost everyone you work for is going to be working for someone else, and no one wants to have their boss to
know that one of their little wage-slave underlings is more intelligent than them. I think it has something to do with hormones and alpha-males or something like that. And with more women in the workplace now, the alpha-male getting out done by a female is a disgrace that calls for nothing short of hara-kiri in most modern societies.

Most companies will even supply the incense. 

It's a delicate balance that you have to be aware of at all times. Trust me, it's still easier than doing whatever it is you're supposed to do at your job. So to sum this step up, don't be too much of an idiot, because no one believes an idiot is a hard worker, but be enough of an idiot that you don't attract the attention of the alpha-males

Pictured: The alpha-male and you.
Step Two: Develop a Manager Sense
The most important part of looking like a hard worker is not getting caught being a lazy workerq. Now this could easily be solved by working hard the entire time you're supposed to be working, but if you wanted to go that far you wouldn't be reading this blog. A much easier and more efficient way to handle this problem is to always know where your manager is, so that you never get caught. I'm not implying that you actually somehow create a sixth sense where you can detect managers coming around the corner or anything like that, mainly because humans already have way more than six senses. No, you're going to have to be a bit trickier to pull this one off.

The How To Look Like a Super Hero Guide will be a separate entry.

The easier ways to figure out where your manager is are usually things like, knowing their schedule, setting up mirrors to see around corners (use safety or something as an excuse), or having a look-out schedule with your other workers. What your system is exactly isn't important, what is important is that you know where your manager is, and you don't get caught.

Step Three: The habits of a hard worker
Keeping a close eye on your manager will make sure they never catch you when you aren't working hard, but at some point you will not be able to avoid them any longer, and under their scrutinizing gaze you still have to look like you're at least a half way decent worker. The most efficient way of looking like you're working hard is to pick up on the habits actual hard workers have and imitate those (preferably the easy ones). But to help you start off before you have a chance to observe hard workers, I have some simple suggestions for you. No matter where you work, cleanliness will be a very important part of your job. Whether you work in sales and they want things to be presentable, or you work in food service and they want you to "try not to spread the plague" or some nonsense like that, your superiors are going to want you to keep a clean, hygienic, and non-poisonous work area. The easiest way to look like you're helping with this goal is to find a couple of the dirtiest or most important parts of the work place and stay near them, then when your manager sense is tingling, start wiping down or in some way cleaning this dirty area.

You can go ahead and let her clean that herself...

Your supervisors will appreciate your cleanliness AND your ability to prioritize the areas that need cleaning more (you can go ahead and dedicate your employee of the month award to me). Another option is the super prepared notary look. The idea behind this is carrying a pad of paper and a pencil with you wherever you go. Whenever the manager/supervisor is around start writing something on your notebook so that it looks like you care deeply about your job. Whether you pretend to be writing suggestions for safety (managers LOVE safety), taking inventory, or being "innovative" (but not too innovative, see step one) doesn't really matter, the important part is, they think you care! (Warning: writing too much may cause you to actually care about your job, avoid this at all costs).

Step Four: Working hard in unemployment
Inevitably all good things must come to an end. Whether you quit, someone finally catches on to you, or your inattentiveness caused your place of work to burn to the ground, you will eventually find yourself out of the job that you have been pretending to work so hard at this entire time. The important thing to remember during your time of jobless-ness is to keep up that image of a hard worker.  The easiest way to get yourself hired into a new job is to show them how hard of a worker you were and will continue to be. Find some references that will tell employers how dedicated and focused you are (we all have some friends willing to lie for us), keep up your habits of looking like you're working whenever someone important is around, and most importantly, remember to always follow STEP ONE.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

How To (Look Like You Have): Become More Popular

Everyone wants to be popular. I mean everyone, even hermits and misanthropes want it. Their screams of "Stay away from me you worthless societal sheep!" actually mean, "I want you to love me in an entirely artificial way." I'm not talking about true friendship with hard won loyalty or anything like that. No, I mean throngs of people that want to pay attention to you for no other reason than because everyone else pays attention to you. Now you may think all of your "friends" on the Facespace, MyBook, or Twitter+ means that you're popular, but trust me, without the help of this guide, no one is actually paying attention to you...

It doesn't count if you make second account to like your own posts.

Step One: Don't be an idiot
This is one of those steps that seems simultaneously obvious and counter-intuitive. While not being an idiot is good advice for just about any aspect of life, most of us have plenty of anecdotes about the times when this wasn't true (because almost all of us were in highschool once). There is an important difference between those idiots that were popular, and you wallowing in your own "brilliant" unpopularity. I don't actually know what that difference is, because if I did, I would be a whole lot more popular, and a whole lot less capable of typing complete sentences (with actual words).

Side-effects: typn lyk dis 2 look coolr

Step Two: Walk the talk and talk the walk
Now that we have established that you aren't an idiot, it's time to start pretending that you're popular. You may think this would be a simple act of mimicry, but you would be surprised. It turns out, it is extremely difficult to act like a cool person, because cool people don't actually ever DO anything (except be cooler than you, they do that a lot). Want proof, check the facebook of anyone you think is popular, their activities will include "hanging out" "chillin" and several other ways of phrasing never doing anything, and maybe one or two activities that they are clearly lying about (bull shit you're a professional bear wrestler, what do you think this is, Canada?).

You, sir, are no Lincoln.

However, if you were to try to look popular by doing nothing, I give you 5.6 seconds before someone calls you out on just being lazy. That's why it's time to walk the talk. If you actually go out and actually do all of the cool things that popular people talk about doing, everyone will think that you're just the bees knees. If you need some examples, I suggest becoming a rock star, alcohol fueled black-out fests, and every sport ever invented at the same time. Or you could just try the lies posted on the popular people's facebooks! (Disclaimer: "Step One" is not suggesting that any readers attempt wrestling a bear and holds no responsibility for any injuries you may sustain while attempting to appear popular).

As for talking the walk. Well. Good luck with that, I'm still not sure what it even means...

Step Three:  Making people hate you, so it looks like people like you
So, you're now acting like a cool person, you should think that would be enough to make people think you are popular, but there's still a few things you're missing (because a two step how to would just be dumb). The most important part of being popular, and the reason why being popular is such and attractive goal, is because other people aren't popular. Even wants to be part of that exclusiveness, and the only way people are going to believe you're popular, is if you too embody that smug superior attitude that everyone has grown to hate. Therefore you need to go out and ostracize any of your unpopular friends you already have! Actively seek out "average" people and make sure they know that you feel superior to them. Once everyone sees that you don't like them, they'll think that everyone likes you!

People must love them!

Step Four: Winning the social game
This step is simply sustaining the image. Keep up what you've learned so far, and people will think you're popular in no time. The important things to remember from here on out: keep doing epic and possibly life threatening things, claim that they are simply your hobbies in order to make sure that no one can relate to your level of epic-ness; under no circumstances make an actual friend or return to those you ostracized, feelings such as trust and caring will make you appear uncool and destroy your image; and, as always, don't be an idiot. Follow these steps to the letter and you may end up friendless, half dead, and considered a borderline sociopath, but everyone will be pretty sure you're somhow related to this guy: