Saturday, July 30, 2011

How To (Look Like You): Make a lot of Money

Making money is hard work, and usually involves things like marketable skills, a real education, and the motivation to get out of bed in the morning. Honestly, who really has those traits? (Successful people). For those of us that don't, but still want to experience the rich people benefits of: being popular, being considered a useful member of society, and not having security called on you when approaching high class establishments, I made this guide (Because he doesn't have any of those traits either).

Remember, this guide will not actually teach you how to make money, if I knew a secret trick to suddenly becoming rich I wouldn't share it with the lot of you. Those people that are trying to share a get rich quick scheme on television are lying to you. (But are still more successful than the writer of this blog).

Pictured: A Liar. (A RICH Liar)
...Shut up Parentheses.

Step One: Don't be an idiot.
Now, this might not make a lot of sense to everyone. You might think, "Just look at celebrities," PLENTY of idiots can make more money than you could dream of having if you feel asleep watching a Who Wants To Be a Millionaire marathon (Because we are all willing to sacrifice our dignity to be a Millionaire).

However, it turns out it is rather difficult to FAKE being rich when you're an idiot. It doesn't take a genius to pull it off, but it takes being able to realize it's a bad idea to mention things like your lack of a job, inability to afford food, or that you've been living in your car for a week. (How would someone get internet in their car?)

Pictured: A Rich Idiot. (A RIC....oh...).
Step Two: Don't actually spend a lot of money
It may seem like a brilliant idea, "You know what rich people do, spend money a lot, so to look rich, I'll do that too!" And it probably is a good idea, right up until the bankruptcy kicks in. Looks like you can't actually spend money without having money, no matter how many credit cards you get, loans you take out, or organs you sell on the black market, someone eventually catches on.

Don't worry guys, I'll pay for lunch!

And in case you haven't experienced bankruptcy first hand, second hand, or though some sort of genetically mutated third hand, I can explain. It is basically the government stopping collection agencies from murdering you by sticking a neon sign on your face that says, "no one ever give this person money again, he makes celebrities looks like sophisticated intellectual and responsible people!"If this seems absurd, you would be surprised by the number of people filing for bankruptcy (must be the ones that missed step one).

Step Three: It's (practically) stealing!
Now, we need to get you readers to look like rich people! However, rich people clothes and accessories cost enough money to make my reader base cry their nearly collapsed veins back to the plasma donation center (it's a legitimate way to make money, if you're poor and have no shame). This may make you wonder, how could I possibly afford to look like a rich person?? I, of course, have an answer. Taking other people's things for little to no money at all.

About the price of a mask and bag. (You're so going to jail)
Ok, that's not exactly what I meant. I was talking more about buying used things, whether through craigslist, Goodwill, or from the creepy guy that lives down the street. Odds are, someone somewhere nearby will have something that looks fancy that they don't want anymore, and this is when you pounce on the chance to profit off of the ignorance of others! (This is sounding more and more evil by the minute...).

...Shut up parentheses.

Step Four: How to be a prick.
For this step you're going to need to learn how to act like a rich person. The most important part of this step is to have some rich people interests. Rich people tend to be on the cutting edge of fashion/trends/whatever-else-nonsense-it-is-people care about these days, therefore you have to be on the look out for the next big thing to hit the world, and you have to be able to know about and tell about it before anyone else knows it's gonna be big.

Underwater hockey won't be it.
However, it is not enough to simply find out about and enjoy these obscure soon to be mainstream trends, you have to look down on anyone and everyone that hasn't already heard of it. This hatred for those out of the loop serves as modern day's response to hating peasants and street urchins back in the olde days, and it will help you  seem richer, because that's what rich people do, they hate. Now, everyone, practice your scorn face! (Needs work).

Step Five: Profit.
If you've been following this guide diligently, you look like some sort of mix matched Frankenstein monster that might possibly pass as a real rich person (if you skipped step one and two you are now a hipster, but close enough). They say that you have to have money to make money, and this is your chance to cheat the system. As a true and dedicated faker, you now have the chance sneak your way in to the secret society of rich people, and find out what bizarre semi-satanic rituals they use to turn their massive amounts of wealth into even larger gold-lined cash pools. Because honestly that's the only feasible explanation for their success (that or actually working hard and being good at what they do).

...I think I need a new editor.