Sunday, July 29, 2012

How To (Look Like You Can): Get a Date

If you're one of those rare people that doesn't intend to spend the rest of his or her life alone with their computer shunning all of society, you probably want to find a "significant other." The first step in this process (after don't be an idiot, of course) is often the most feared and dangerous of all: getting a date. There are plenty of guides on the subject, with countless ideas and tips on how to land yourself a lady (or a man (or a ladyman, hey I'm not here to judge)). Lucky for you, I'm all about the bandwagon, so let's jump on board and talk about getting your flirt on.

Pretty sure there's room for me on there.

Step One: Don't be an idiot
Nobody wants to go on a date with an idiot. While clearly there there is some secret trick idiots use to manage to land dates, that's not going to be the subject of this guide, because frankly it's not that exciting. And what it says about people as a whole is also a little bit depressing. The way we're going to approach this is going to be smooth, cool, and totally bad-ass. Trying to pull this off while being an idiot is like a fighter pilot going into a dog fight with one engine already out and no ammo. Actually, come to think of it, trying to get a date is a lot like being a fighter pilot, only substantially less cool.

Pictured: Someone cooler than you

So that's what I want you to keep in mind throughout the remainder of this guide. You're a bad-ass fighter pilot. Take that confidence and use it to put on your best game face because this isn't going to be easy. But, hey, if all else in this guide just tell someone you're a fighter pilot. I guess you could say it's worth a SHOT! (See what I did there? (They shoot things, that's what fighter pilots do (it's like a pun, see? because know what, nevermind...))). Anyways...

Step Two: Selecting a target
Now that you've got yourself in the right state of mind, it's time to get you on that date. One of the most important parts of getting on that date, is finding the right person to ask out. This can be pretty hectic and crazy, trying to find the right stranger in the tangled mess of people we pass everyday in our lives. In fact, it's a lot like trying to pick out a target during the hectic madness of a dogfight, miles up in the air, as planes burst into flames left and right...

This is somehow equivalent to your dating scene.

Picking your "target" is a complicated process with a lot of different factors involved. You may think personal preferences or compatibility would be a big factor, but that's where you'd be wrong. It's actually much more generic and universal, who knew? Just like our friend the fighter pilot, you're going to want to pick a nice, slow target. You'll want someone that looks like they don't think very hard, or often. Let's be honest, with the average looks and social skills of an internet dweller, you need all the handicaps you can get. Next, you're going to need to find someone that looks like they really don't have a lot left in them. Like they're just about ready give-up and they would be willing to run with almost any suggestion given to them, it's your go sign to move in, it's the smoke coming off a plane that might already be going down, and needs you to land that one last shot.

Metaphorically speaking, this is what counts as your "type"

So let's say you've located the saddest and slowest looking bogey, I mean bimbo, I mean... person... The next step is where things get interesting.

Step Three: Getting a lock on the target
So now you've got your sights on someone, next step is getting them in your sights (just pretend that metaphor made sense). Lining it up and getting that lock is all about prediction, it's about knowing your opponents next move before they even know that they don't know what you know. Ya know? You have to anticipate that left bank and get a lead on them, you have to have your missiles armed to be ready for the shot, saving you those precious moments that could mean life or death for you and your target. And this probably in someway relates to people and asking someone out...

I'm getting a little too excited about those whole fighter pilot thing...

Yes, you're going to need to be able to anticipate the person you're trying to ask out, by getting to know them. Found out what they're most likely going to respond to. Stalk them if you must, in this day and age that's not only more socially acceptable, it's practically expected. Once you've gathered some knowledge and info on the person you're going to shoot down, I mean, ask out, it's time to move in and finalize it. Just like once you've gotten into the head of that enemy pilot. You know what it's like to be in his seat, behind the controls of a little metal box armed to the teeth and flying by at supersonic speeds, where seconds and milliseconds can make all the difference. You've gone through the training, just like him, you know he's going to try the barrel roll, try to get away, but he won't finish that maneuver, you know exactly where he's going to be, and only one thing is left...

Step Four: Making the shot
ALRIGHT, LIEUTENANT! This is the moment all of this has been leading up to. You've got the lock, he's trying evasive maneuvers, but you know better than him. It's almost reflex at this point, just like in the simulators you've done over and over. You can't let yourself think of it as anything other than like the simulator, there's no time for hesitation. In your head, you whisper a short prayer for the life you have to take, but outloud you can hear yourself saying "Fox 3 Armed. Fox 3 Away....Splash." And that was all it took, after all the preparation and training, it was as easy as that. Looks like you've made yourself a hero once again, Ace.

Good Job, Soldier.

And that's it for my guide on how to win a dogfight as a fighter pilot, join me next week when I talk about attack helicopters and anti-aircraft avoidance measures!

When I'm not getting easily distracted, I can be found trying to be insightful on Twitter @TheyCallMeJor or saying nice things about people that read this blog. Please leave comments letting me know what you think, or give suggestions for guides you want to see in the future!

1 comment:

  1. Great, hysterically funny article. Maybe next time "How to plan a group outing" with troop movements?

    Just a few typos:
    *ready to give up
    * suggestion given to them; it's your go sign to move in, the smoke coming off a plane that might already be going down and needs you to land that one last shot.
    *knowing your opponent's
    *that whole fighter pilot thing
    *Find out