Monday, July 23, 2012

How To (Look Like You Can): Fight

There are plenty of reasons to want people to think you know how to fight. Maybe you want to look tough for the ladies. Maybe you have a score that only fists can settle. Perhaps the local bullies are on your case, and Mr. Miyagi already gave up on training you because "your anger will lead you to the Dark Side." No matter what the reason, this guide is here to help you fake your way into combative victory.

Pictured: Mr. Miyagi 

So roll up your sleeves, put on your big boy pants, and try not to wet yourself as we step into the ring. It's time to learn to fight, Step One style.

Step One: Don't be an idiot
This step might not be as easy to see as it is in other posts. But, like most things in faking your way to success, the key is subtlety. In this case it's the subtle difference between being an idiot, and multiple concussions.  The moderate to severe speech impediment, lack of short term memory, and general inability to form sentences that are mistaken for idiocy in serious fighters is actually what we in the biz like to call being a bit "punchy." So, unless you have some head trauma of your own to blame it on, you've got no excuse for being an idiot.


Now for some actual instruction on how to not be an idiot. In this case, it's rather simple: DUCK. I mean this in both the literal and metaphorical sense. Metaphorically speaking, you need to avoid actual fighting. No matter how many underdog victory stories you hear, manning up to face your fears and fight that 6'7'' wall of muscles will most likely result in your death. And literally speaking, well... getting punched in the face hurts. Just take my word on that one.

Step Two: You gotta talk the walk
Everyone knows that fights are 75% mental 20% actual fighting and 10% knowing when to duck (that's what we call punchy-math). Therefore, winning the theoretical fight mostly comes down to being able to psych out your opponent and yourself. Assuming my readers engage in approximately as much physical activity as I do, the majority of your muscles are slowly atrophying, and you have difficultly actually forming your hand into a fist to throw a punch. But your opponent doesn't need to know that. If you've got the bark, people won't be able to tell you don't have the bite.

I suggest looking for opponents here.

So keep up the smack talk, emphasize how many forms of martial arts you know (read as: Google'd once), what you will/won't do to your opponents genitals, and of course, the number of people you are capable of killing with your bare hands (you might want to exaggerate a little). This will work to scare off many opponents; however, sometimes, people will call you out, and you'll have to back up your claims. Luckily, you came prepared because you remembered:

Step Three: Every scar has a story
This is the part of the guide where you do Mr. Sun-Tzu proud, and come into battle with a little pre-planned strategy. Remember, actually getting into a fight means almost certain defeat, so for us, the battle is going to refer to the smack talking and psychological warfare that takes place before any fists start flying. The best way to win the pre-fight rounds is to have the best stories, and to go into the most graphic, specific, intimate details of everything that happened. In the verbal battles you'll face, specificity is going to be your best weapon. A well kept secret of the trade: the more specific and detailed a threat or story is, the more terrifying it will be for all those that hear it. So when you tell your stories, remember: you didn't win the fight, you walked away from the scene leaving only mostly-dead bodies arranged in the shape of a giant hand flipping the bird as a warning; you didn't get that scar when a druggie knifed you, you caught that knife with your torso while avoiding your vital organs by mere millimeters and still managing to take him out with a quick Knee of Justice to the solar plexus; and you didn't fight ten guys by yourself, you fought off a gang of 10 burly bikers armed only with your wit, your wicked right hook, and some roadkill you found as you walked in. If that doesn't phase them, go into specifics on what you did with the piece of a squirrel body to the top half of the bikers left eyebrow. If nothing else, they'll call the fight off because you've rambled on for hours with the story of every mark on your body.

The story of that small scar you can sometimes see on my left knee. Abridged, of course.

But if you truly have mastered the sedentary lifestyle of a child of the computer age, you might have some trouble backing up your claims. People are going to expect some physical evidence of the fantastic stories you tell. Which is where things get interesting...

Step Four: Pain Time. Bruises mean you're doing it right
It's time to get full on crazy if you want to pull this off. You're already in too deep to back out now, after those comments about what you'll do to the town tough guy's left kneecap with a dull spoon you've really got to commit. No real tough guy is going to believe you without something to back up your claims of glorious victory on the field of battle. If you want people to think you're the toughest of the tough, you're going to have to tough it out in the toughest of situations. Tough. Since actually getting into fights is out of the question (remember the whole dying horribly part) you're going to have to find a new way to get those scars and bruises. And when it comes to something that is potentially life threatening, trust no one but yourself. It's time to find that pointy object and give yourself some new "stories."

Woah, slow down emo dude, not exactly what I had in mind.

Aim a few swings back at yourself and get something to brag about around the fight club water cooler. Ignore any concerns from friends and family, you've got this under control. And if they won't back down, challenge them to a fight. No one is going to mess with someone that has a semi-permanent bruise on his face roughly the size of his own fist. Keep up the scar-making, and try to keep it a secret, but if someone sees you if might even work out in your favor. You just went from guy that fights all the time, to the guy that's so much of a fighter he fights himself when there's no one else around to punch.

Keep up the good work, Champ.

But if you're doing it right, this is only the beginning...

Step Five: Faking your own death
If you've followed this guide so far, you have managed to spend hours coming up with an elaborate imaginary back story, angered and personally threatened every major fighter/tough guy within 50 miles, estranged your entire family and friend group, developed psychotic self-destructive tendencies, and probably started some sort of revolution against society at some point along the way.

But don't worry. Your friends here at Step One have got you covered. Just because there are several people with open fight challenges/death threats aimed at you, a warrant for your arrest, and the Nice Men in White Coats are coming to take you in for "your protection," doesn't mean it's time to give up. No, it was time to give up a while ago, now you're left with only one way out, Possum Style. Now, the specifics on this step aren't really important, the only thing you need to do make sure to do is leave a lot of evidence pinning your butler as the murderer and flee to a different country. I suggest France, they know what it's like to take a beating a lose a fight they never even fought. And if that doesn't work out for you, well... Good luck, God Speed, and remember to duck.

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