Sunday, September 11, 2011

How To: Succeed in School (Or How To Look Like: A Good Student)

September has rolled around much faster than most of us would have liked it to, but despite our best efforts at travelling back in time for three more months of summer, it looks like it's about time for most of my readers to get back to school. With that in mind, many people might be trying to change up their image a little bit with this new semester (or a lot Ms.I-started-wearing-sweats-to-class-first-week). There are plenty of reasons for that new image to be that of a good student; whether you want to convince your parents it's still worth it to pay your tuition, make your teacher think you're smarter (proven to get you better grades by a statistical study I most likely didn't make up), or you're just trying to hook up with that cute nerdy boy/girl in your class, this is the guide for you! So pop out those contacts, pull out those old glasses, strap on those high-waters and LET'S DO THIS.

Step One: Don't be an idiot
Who would have thought that part of looking like a good student is not being an idiot? (Answer: Anyone who understands the title of this blog.) Sadly, this step is going to prove more difficult for some of you than it really should be. So to help you all out, I'm going to make a one time exception to this rule by changing it up a little bit. For this guide, I'm going to need you to at least not LOOK like an idiot.

Try a little harder...

For most of us, this problem can be solved in a single step. Stop talking. Ever heard of sticking your foot in your mouth? Idiots have an amazing talent for fitting two size twelves in there without any problem, so your best bet is to just keep it closed and keep reading...

Step Two: Nerd Swag
Nerd is the new chic. Just look at all the stereotypical nerd gear that hipsters are wearing these days! They have to be cool, "hip" is right there in the name! In case you're not up to date on modern nerd culture, I have a pointer or two here for you, and I've even divided it into an easy to reference format.
 Head Accessories: You can't go wrong with the stereotypical glasses, but there is a lot more you can do with your head than just try and improve your eyesight (get your mind out of the gutter, I know what you just thought). Just remember these two simple points: combs/brushes are your worst enemy, and shaving and make up should be performed with all the accuracy and tact of a blind orangutan.
The Upper Body: STOP! Right where you are! Tuck that shirt in! Roll those sleeves up! I didn't ask if you were wearing short sleeves, roll em up! Does your shirt have a pocket? No? Make one. Stock up on pens in your pocket, teachers love seeing pens. And stay away from that pocket protector... Seriously, no one wears those...
The Lower Body: Whatever you do, avoid clothing that fits properly or in any way makes you look good. If your legs just look BANGING in those new jeans you bought, no one is going to believe you actually get anything done for school, you'll be too busy getting things done
And presto-change-o you are already starting to look like you might actually be successful in school, however, there's more to it than just strutting around in your new nerd clothes, it's time to get the act down!

Step One is now recycling pictures to save trees! Internet trees?
(Also, look, no pocket protector. They're just dumb...)

Step Three: Similarities between you an a dog
Dog may not be the best word here, but there's a certain five letter word for a female dog that I don't think needs my help being spread around the internet. However, to be more accurate, it isn't a dog at all that you need to emulate, but instead strive to become: a bobble-head. It's a simple action, but it will make you every teacher's favorite student.

This particular bobble head is already several steps ahead of you.

As you do this, you will soon realize that teachers aren't doing their jobs because they want to spread knowledge, are goodhearted people, or even because of some kind of violent head trauma that would make someone want to lock themselves into a room with a large group of adolescents all day everyday. Every teacher out there is in it for only one reason, a WAY overdeveloped superiority complex. Why else would someone force themselves to constantly be surrounded by people that are not as intelligent as them? The only possible explanation is that they want to be right all the time and have no one question them. That's where you come in. Agree with every bit of stuck-up egocentric and confusing babble that pours from their underpaid mouths. And look like you enjoy every minute of it.

Step Four: Writing above the third-grade level
Despite your best efforts at looking like you're paying attention to the teacher, and agreeing with the extremely politically charged statements/accusations he is spewing, your teacher is still not going to give a damn who you are. Since he'll be too busy basking in how right he is in everything he says during class, the main way you're going to make an impression is going to be through writing. Here's where those wonderful internet skills come in. This is the part of the guide that might actually take a tiny bit of work, but not too much. (Oh quit your groaning already, you'll live). My suggestion is taking time and using the internet to help you make one very well written email, with some mad-lib like blanks in it, preferably one that talks about classes and learning or some other nonsense like that. Then, fill in some blanks and send that email to everyone that you want to make think you're a good student!

"This better not have any comma splices, I don't want to have to fail another idiot"

The best part is, if they respond, you don't even have to type up a second email! Just ignore it and if you ever run into the person and they ask about it, talk about how you haven't had a chance to write back because you've spent all of your free time doing homework, or you gave up the internet for lent, or any number of excuses, use your imagination, no one actually expects to hear back when emailing nowadays.

Step Five: Soullessness 
There is only one thing you have left to master in looking like a good student. One final touch that makes all the difference, and to understand, you will have to find a REAL good student, and observe. You will find something is off about them, something is strange, it isn't that they possess something we normal people don't have. No, instead they LACK something. The years of hard work, effort, and sucking up to scumbag teachers has left their eyes devoid of life, their voice absent of any hints of joy, and the soul of a lively young person missing from their bodies. It is a difficult look to fake, but once mastered, it is the true sign of a good student, and the easiest way to fool someone. I suggest watching the scene in Lion King where Mufasa dies on repeat for a few hours, if you can sit through that, you've got soullessness down pat...

If you aren't crying right now, you're done with this guide. Just go...go....

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