Sunday, September 18, 2011

How to (Look Like You): Play Sports

Hello again, fellow internet dwellers. Today's topic involves something that many of you might find confusing. It involves physical activity, pain, aggressive competition, and theoretically "fun" (If you're not a pansy). You may have seen some of your friends doing this in that place they call "outside" or something like that. As you may have heard, this strange series of organized activities is called sports, and for some bizarre reason, we are all expected to know how to play these sports. With this in mind, I have decided to teach you all  how to look like you know how to play sports, so that you never have to go through the torture of actually learning! (Or you could just man up and do it).

Yeah, that looks like...fun. So. Much. Fun.


Step One: Don't be an idiot
You were expecting me to make a joke about athletic people being idiots here, weren't you? Well I won't, I'm better than that. It actually takes intelligence and strategy to win some of these games. Which is precisely why you need to not be an idiot in order to fake this! This time around you're actually going to need to know a thing or two to pull this off. But if you forget and mess up here or there or become inconsistent with your faking, it's OK, athletes don't remember very well anyway. And that's not because they're idiots, that's just the concussions...(Couldn't help but make fun of athletes, huh?)

Not an idiot, just a bit...punchy.


Step Two: Limber up
Actually playing sports is a whole lot of hard work and practice. They say it takes 1000 hours of practice to completely master something, but there are only 24 hours in a day, and if any of my guides take you more than a day to finish, I've done something horribly wrong. Honestly, I expect you all to have attention spans similar to mine, that is to say, the attention span of a goldfish.

A goldfish with internet access of course.

Luckily, there are a lot of sport-related activities that you can do to make people think you know how  to play sports, and they're easy to do! One of the  most common activities involved with playing sports is sweating, sweating everywhere clearly must be a sign of having fun, that and being uncomfortable, being afraid, and generally any unpleasant activity known to man. Yay sweat. It is relatively easy to work up a sweat though, just do some quick physical activity before you see the people you want to convince that you're athletic (a quick walk up the stairs should do it for you, Jor). Another way to convince someone you're serious about this is stretching, which if you didn't know, is contorting yourself into uncomfortable positions one after the next in order to make sure your muscles are long enough, or something like that...

Step Three: Pick a team, any team. (Not that team).
It seems that knowing how to play sports isn't enough to be an athletic person, apparently they are also interested in watching other people play sports better than them, guess they enjoy other people's torture as well (or they're capable of running more than 10 steps without hurting themselves). Therefore, you're going to need to be able to talk about watching sports in order to convince people that you are athletic, and that means you need to have a favorite team. The quickest way to do this: google "famous {insert sport here} player" pick a name that sounds cool, click their wikipedia entry, find out what team their on, and pick that one! That will make sure that you agree with most of the people that like that sports, because everyone likes the most famous players (just jump right on that band wagon). For example, Peyton Manning and the New England Patriots! They're still popular, right? Or do they suck now? (Manning plays for the...HEY the Patriots don't suck!)

Pictured: Peyton Manning ....Probably

With how often people change teams, which I'm pretty sure happens from time to time, if you accidentally get the wrong team, just mutter something about transfers and act like it was an honest mistake/some stupid team managers fault. Those sporty types will fall for it, once again, concussions (This is going to far Jor, I'll show you concussions!).

Step Four: Stay indoors, it's dangerous outside
In light of recent events, I have come up with a new little piece of advice that is very important for this guide. What ever you do, don't ever actually play sports (especially boxing) while pretending to be someone athletic. It turns out that sports can be very dangerous, especially when the people you play with are hyper-competitive, angry, and possibly part-bear, part-pterodactyl. It's best to not get caught out of your element and have to actually perform well in a sport, it tends to end badly, trust me... (I'll show you bear-o-dactyl, inside isn't safe either!)

              theoatmeal.com
Pictured: My asshole edit-afs;gkjsg (Pictured: THE BANE OF JOR'S EXISTENCE)

Step Five: Building character
It turns out, sometimes people we see through your charade, and will not be happy with the fact that you're only pretending to be athletic, or are upset that you think they can't understand polysyllabic words because of all their concussions (I'll show you polysyll- wait, what does that mean?). But it's ok, this can work out in your favor. As I stated before, sports are dangerous, so suddenly having cuts, bruises, and broken faces is expected of athletic people. If anyone asks why it looks like a 200 pound flying death monster mauled your face, just say it's from some really intense practicing. Let people know that they need to get on your level, and they'll finally believe you're athletic!

In conclusion, athletic people aren't idiots, and I think I need a new editor again. (And soon you're gonna need a doctor!)

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