Sunday, September 25, 2011

How to (Look Like You Have): Become a Pokemon Master

*Note: This post is dedicated to my friend Hunter of ZekGaming, whose awesome up and coming YouTube channel can be found here.

Most, if not all of us, have extensive experience with a tv show/videogame/card game/lifestyle known as Pokemon. Pokemon sets a goal that everyone will try to obtain, but few will actually reach, the goal of becoming a Pokemon Master.

Yes. You should be singing the theme song right now.

However, becoming a Pokemon Master can take years of training and practice, and humiliating defeats that teach you life long lessons. If you think we're actually going to go through all of that, you haven't been reading this blog very long. So now, a secret Team Rocket has been trying to figure out since we were small children, how to fake your way to being a Pokemon Master!

Step One: Don't be an idiot
One repeating theme that you're going to see as you navigate your way across the dangerous world of Pokemon and trainers is that the world is populated by complete morons and 11 year olds that run free and and unsupervised. Aside from the sheer chaos that this system causes, it also provides a plethora of great examples of what NOT to do to make people think you're a Pokemon Master.

And a few examples of EXACTLY what to be.

Since becoming a Pokemon Master is a long process that has many different routes, what I'm going to focus on instead is what not to do. And we'll do it by looking at the Do's and Don't's of some of the main Idiots of the Pokemon world. You may not want to be an idiot like them, but there's a thing or two you can still learn from them.

Step Two: The PokeManiac (OCD and you)

These crazy little guys love pokemon more than anything else, including other human beings, societal norms, and proper hygiene habits. Despite the obvious obsessive tendencies, clingy natures, and other horrible side-effects of being a Pokemaniac, there are some things you can learn from them.

DO's: The one thing the Pokemaniacs have over most of us regular people is knowledge. I don't mean PokeNerd style (you can't just add "Poke" to the beginnings of words and make them apply to this blog), but I mean the kind of stalker-esque knowledge that can only be gathered by someone with a mental problem making them obsess over things, or someone with access to facebook. This knowledge is what gives them a claim at being near-Pokemon-Master style people. But there's a catch...

DON'T's: Barring people that have previously mentioned mental disorders, it is highly unlikely that you're going to be able  to obsess over pokemon enough to know everything necessary to be a true pokemaniac, that takes a life time of never having a single friend. Instead I offer this advice, pick that one obscure pokemon, the one that no one really knows all the much about, and learn enough about it that people tell you to shut up whenever you bring it up in conversation. Get this down, and soon people will start thinking that maybe, just maybe, you could be a Pokemon Master...

BUT, there's more to it than just knowledge!

Step Three: The Rocket Grunt (Goon's Life and its draw backs)
Now, you may think that this guy is the bottom rung of a ladder that was scraped off of the bottom of the barrel where they used to hold the defecation of the bottom of the food chain and... well, you get the idea. But, believe it or not, there's a lot we can learn from this name-less face-less low life (and honestly, that says a lot about us).

DO's: These guys have one trait that all of us can truly aspire towards, and that is an absurdly over developed sense of dedication. It takes a ballsy person to begin with to go into battle with 4 rattattas and no back up plan, but it takes dedication to stick with it and see it through in the face of a level 100 Charizard. These guys have no fear, and that is easily one of the most important things when looking like a Pokemon Master. Sure, your team may be six Magikarps you bought off of a crazy fisherman because you heard they were delicious, but if you go into battle with the determination and fearlessness of a Rocket Grunt, your opponent will think they're the ones that are missing something. It makes you seem like you know something other people don't, and that's what makes a Pokemon Master.

DON'T's: It probably isn't a good idea to have all of that dedication focused on an evil super-organization that is frequently foiled by a lost 10 year old kid with a backwards hat and a bad attitude. Honestly, you're better off putting that dedication to something more worthwhile/stable. Like the Lottery, or your own self esteem. Just don't go joining cults, bad idea kids, bad idea.

Plus you could never pull off that uniform.

Step Four: The Gary Oak (You may be cool, but you'll never be ten-year-old in a sports car cool)
There are the idiots of the Pokemon world, and there are the Gary Oaks of the Pokemon world. The exact opposite of failure, he is the embodiment of all that can be done right when it comes to being a Pokemon Master. Why does his own grandfather not know his name? Because the Professor has been in awe of Gary's awesomeness since the day he was born, and never had the courage to approach the soon-to-be unstoppable force of the Pokemon world and ask his name. So he asks you, because you don't exude that kind of sheer bad-assery, BUT, here's what you can learn from it.

DO's: Unstoppable Badassery. That's what Gary Oak has that you never will. But you've got to fake it, you have to pretend to be almost on his level if you ever want people to think you're a Master. Do you know how many badges there are in the original pokemon? Eight. Now tell me how many Gary Oak has:
Hint: It's not eight.

Rumors say that there were originally ten gyms, but two of them didn't survive their battles with Gary Oak. While you will never be on his ten-badge-level, you can try to pretend. Tell people about your superhuman accomplishments. Try and talk about being nearly as cool as Gary Oak, and if people believe you, they'll think you have what it takes to be a Master.

DON'T's: Never, under any circumstances, think you are Gary Oak. He has abilities that no other human being could possibly posses. Attempts at being as out-right EPIC as Gary Oak will likely result in extreme embarrassment if not death. You cannot get away with driving a sports car through open fields as a ten year old, you cannot beat the entire elite four with a single level 5 Magikarp, and most of all, you cannot fly on a Spearow. We all know you're not that coordinated.

Not. On. His. Level.

Step Five: The end of Victory Road
So you think you've made it. You learned the do's and don't's of looking like a Pokemon Master, and now you're wondering if it actually worked. Here's how to check. Are you currently wearing Pokemon Merchandise and didn't even realize it? At any point in this blog did you believe even for a second that Pokemon are real? Are you pondering whether or not you'll die alone without a single friend? If you answered no to any of those questions, then you still have some ways to go towards looking like a Pokemon Master. But keep with the program, and someday, you'll be the very best, like no one ever was (except Gary  Oak).

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