Sunday, August 21, 2011

How To (Look Like You Have): Become More Popular

Everyone wants to be popular. I mean everyone, even hermits and misanthropes want it. Their screams of "Stay away from me you worthless societal sheep!" actually mean, "I want you to love me in an entirely artificial way." I'm not talking about true friendship with hard won loyalty or anything like that. No, I mean throngs of people that want to pay attention to you for no other reason than because everyone else pays attention to you. Now you may think all of your "friends" on the Facespace, MyBook, or Twitter+ means that you're popular, but trust me, without the help of this guide, no one is actually paying attention to you...

It doesn't count if you make second account to like your own posts.

Step One: Don't be an idiot
This is one of those steps that seems simultaneously obvious and counter-intuitive. While not being an idiot is good advice for just about any aspect of life, most of us have plenty of anecdotes about the times when this wasn't true (because almost all of us were in highschool once). There is an important difference between those idiots that were popular, and you wallowing in your own "brilliant" unpopularity. I don't actually know what that difference is, because if I did, I would be a whole lot more popular, and a whole lot less capable of typing complete sentences (with actual words).

Side-effects: typn lyk dis 2 look coolr

Step Two: Walk the talk and talk the walk
Now that we have established that you aren't an idiot, it's time to start pretending that you're popular. You may think this would be a simple act of mimicry, but you would be surprised. It turns out, it is extremely difficult to act like a cool person, because cool people don't actually ever DO anything (except be cooler than you, they do that a lot). Want proof, check the facebook of anyone you think is popular, their activities will include "hanging out" "chillin" and several other ways of phrasing never doing anything, and maybe one or two activities that they are clearly lying about (bull shit you're a professional bear wrestler, what do you think this is, Canada?).

You, sir, are no Lincoln.

However, if you were to try to look popular by doing nothing, I give you 5.6 seconds before someone calls you out on just being lazy. That's why it's time to walk the talk. If you actually go out and actually do all of the cool things that popular people talk about doing, everyone will think that you're just the bees knees. If you need some examples, I suggest becoming a rock star, alcohol fueled black-out fests, and every sport ever invented at the same time. Or you could just try the lies posted on the popular people's facebooks! (Disclaimer: "Step One" is not suggesting that any readers attempt wrestling a bear and holds no responsibility for any injuries you may sustain while attempting to appear popular).

As for talking the walk. Well. Good luck with that, I'm still not sure what it even means...

Step Three:  Making people hate you, so it looks like people like you
So, you're now acting like a cool person, you should think that would be enough to make people think you are popular, but there's still a few things you're missing (because a two step how to would just be dumb). The most important part of being popular, and the reason why being popular is such and attractive goal, is because other people aren't popular. Even wants to be part of that exclusiveness, and the only way people are going to believe you're popular, is if you too embody that smug superior attitude that everyone has grown to hate. Therefore you need to go out and ostracize any of your unpopular friends you already have! Actively seek out "average" people and make sure they know that you feel superior to them. Once everyone sees that you don't like them, they'll think that everyone likes you!

People must love them!

Step Four: Winning the social game
This step is simply sustaining the image. Keep up what you've learned so far, and people will think you're popular in no time. The important things to remember from here on out: keep doing epic and possibly life threatening things, claim that they are simply your hobbies in order to make sure that no one can relate to your level of epic-ness; under no circumstances make an actual friend or return to those you ostracized, feelings such as trust and caring will make you appear uncool and destroy your image; and, as always, don't be an idiot. Follow these steps to the letter and you may end up friendless, half dead, and considered a borderline sociopath, but everyone will be pretty sure you're somhow related to this guy:

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